Monday, January 31, 2011

A Breath of Fresh Air


I love you more than yesterday, but tomorrow--I'll love you more than today.

Today school was just filled of mixed feelings.
Victoria described it as "pensive".
It felt like a mixture of a brand new start and a dreadful journey ahead.
Today just felt pretty empty.
Sometimes simplicity is scary. It's too simple.
16 oz/bottle of water before every meal.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Favorite word: Badass

"Do what you HAVE to do so you can do what you WANT to do." - Denzel Washington ”The Great Debators”
"Discipline is not what you do TO yourself; it is what you do FOR yourself." - Lou Holtz
See the possibilities. Feel the power. Make your own special magic today

Rescue me from myself.
Can't stand another moment of my presence.
Heal me
Love me
Hold me
Save me

Bring me back to nowhere.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I can't forget your love.

I've made someone sad and feel bad.
It doesn't matter whether it was intentional or not.
The end is still a result of my actions.
Someone has spent their precious time on me to do better--to be better.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

 
<3 her voice
looks like Jaejoong
 

Man, I really like watching Super Idol!
I went with mom to the Monterey Park today. There was a singing competition and the lady that we were sitting next to was competing. When she came back, I complemented her in Mandarin, and then after that she kept speaking to me, and I was doomed! I sort of understood her and just nodded my head a lot. 

Instead of eyeliner and mascara
Eyes filled to the brim with fear
lashes thick with tears
Instead of a soft complementing red hue
Each cheek is dusted with a loud clashing bruise
And rather than a hint of shine colored in perfectly with a touch of red
Dizzying streaks of blood outline swollen lips instead



difficult to find the perfect picture to fit my words

Friday, January 28, 2011

True Reflections

Behind the Mirror
 I look at my reflection
I don't notice my eyes, skin, nose, or lips...
All I see are mistakes and regrets...
As I look at the person before me
I can't help but wish I chose a different path
 Moisture fills my eyes and I look away
Unable to continue to face reality
Attempting to deny the person that I am
The person I have become 
My reflection is the same everywhere I go
I can't get away
The eyes that stare back at me are unbearable
Let me go, Let me go.

vagueness needs to be edited:
-lacks feeling
-lacks visualization(what do the regrets and mistakes look like? only the main character knows. what path did she take? what has she become? what happened to her?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011













I can't remember the exact words
I'm sorry I can't explain it again
But it's about letting go of the fear
Intentionally stirring up fear as well
Setting yourself up for failure
Because you aren't used to achieving more
Going past your comfort zone
Letting go
Ironically--freeing yourself, from yourself

edit
Inner resistance to whatever arises in the present moment pulls you back into unconsciousness. Inner resistance is some form of negativity, complaining, fear, aggression, or anger. This is important because whenever you complain about what somebody else does you’re already beginning to fall into that trap of unconsciousness.
– Eckhart Tolle

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The bigger picture.



http://princekyu.net/2010/07/16/100706-100713-strong-heart-kyuhyuns-second-chance-story-funny-cuts-eng-sub/


I'd rather do the right thing than walk away and go home and regret it

Why didn't you finish?Why didn't you do it? What were you doing last night? What were you doing yesterday? Does this make you happy? Can you live like this? Can you show your face happily?

At first I was terrified of the dark
Fearful of things that weren't really there
Now I can't help but embrace the darkness

Monday, January 24, 2011

finding strength in a sea of lost nothings

let me forget about the world












"I'm terrified," you whispered.
Spoken so softly from your lips
But roaring thunderously through my ears
"What's wrong?" I gently pry.
Painfully aware of the delicate moment
Your cast your eyes towards the scenery behind me
I knew you weren't looking over at the horizon
Your eyes were so distant
As if you weren't really here with me
You stood before me
A moment's inch away
But you were already long gone...
Why did you take my heart with you?
Was there no other way?

edited out
Why couldn't you look me in the eyes that day?
Why couldn't you be with me at that very moment?
Why did you come to me when it was already too late?

Why did you speak up when it was already to late?
The words you whispered were long overdue
I couldn't save you



you close your weary eyes
couldn't be any more tired of this meaningless life
what are you living for?
hours pass by
lost in the confusion of thoughts and feelings
what does this mean
i wish i could tell you
i wish we didn't have to go through hell and back to figure it all out















Why do you prolong what you need to do?
What are you waiting for?
"I'm tired," you say.
What's sapping your energy?
It's that feeling that pulls you down
You feel old, but yet you are so young
Is that how you feel?
Write out your story
Sing me your song
Show me your art
Perform your dance
Where is your heart?

thoughts: listening to JYJ 's album- Their Rooms, Our Story. not sure why they make me feel this flurry of emotions. I feel connected to the feelings that I get from their songs/voices/feelings. the mood they set makes it easier to convert reality into words

Sunday, January 23, 2011

chill out, I got this.



Don't beat yourself up
What's been done is done
What's happened has happened
You only hurt yourself more when you bash on yourself
What is the point of beating yourself up for your past actions/mistakes?
How does that make anything better?
Of course there are many, "could've, should've, didn't, my fault, failed, guilt"
But all of these negative thoughts only lead to hurting yourself a second time.
Maybe I didn't do everything that I needed to do because I was being stupid.
Perhaps I was late to class and the root of the problem was me.
What good does it do if I talk down on myself for the rest of the day?
Is that supposed to teach me a lesson?
It only makes everything worse and drags out the damage to myself.
Get rid of any hateful thoughts towards myself
And make up for it
Try again
Start now
Do what you need to do to make up for it or to catch up
You can change without hurting yourself

through the trapdoor
we find ourselves falling head first into the insanity
taking everything in all at once
and ending up with nothing

Wading Through the Waves~Don't worry, we'll be fine.

     I'm still trying to figure out how to juggle everything. Each day is in preparation of preparing for the next day. Even when the times get tough, you try to hold on the best you can. Even though I spent considerably less time procrastinating, I still have a lot to improve on. I missed out on a lot of sister time today because I was busy trying to do my work when I could have done it earlier. There are many IB due dates coming up, and I don't have much hope/belief in myself--but I will still try my best to accomplish it. Last week didn't go to well with one of my IB projects and it is always a hit to my confidence, but I like the thought of trying again--the idea that even if I don't get it this time, I will give it another go--this isn't the end. Feeling burned out. ~ well, let's get this show on a road! Today is going to be spent preparing for tomorrow. I am starting to feel like the days are just mundane and full of work--but I need to remember that each day is up to me, it's what I make out of it.

feeling very accomplished that I kicked the nail biting habit; I want to paint my nails these colors!




-saw this on tumblr, wonder where it came from

 jaejoong reading yaoi manga haha! He sort of has this perverted funny look going on~

05 I KNOW with 아이유

Seungri + IU






 

Friday, January 21, 2011






And you allow yourself to continue to hurt
Do something about it
No guts, No glory
You are the one who continues to hold onto to pain

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Note to Self: Overpower me not.

   I'm watching "What Would You Do" and there is a segment that focuses on "Street Harassment".Watching the video and reading up about it opened my eyes and really pissed me off. I've went through multiple experiences of this "street harassment", but I never could place a label on it.
   As I watched the women in the video stand up for themselves, it made me wish that I did the same in the past. After letting one street harassment pass, it just continues on in terms of how I handle the situation. You can't necessarily stop yourself from being harassed in the first place because you never know when it is going to happen, but you can definitely change how you choose to act.
   All I have done is act weak, feel helpless, and stupidly let the harassers have power over me. I remember telling my sister how I handled one of my worst situations and she was completely shocked at how stupid I was for not doing anything. I don't know if it was because I was young. Even to the situation I experienced during my first few years of high school was handled weakly. It seems so easy to know what the logical thing to do is, but when the moment arrives, it is a completely different story. I feel as though someone should have told me when I was younger still. It might seem logical of what to do, but the advice and warning would have definitely helped.
    I remember talking to my mom about my topic for my Chinese presentation about how 女人不需要男人的保護 a few months ago and I used myself as an example about how we don't need their protection, because I am strong and could take them on or something. But really, looking back, it doesn't seem like I was. I still believe that 女人不需要男人的保護 though!

Street Harassment: The Uncomfortable Walk Home

September 21, 2010

by Elizabeth Mendez Berry

I was 13 when I was sexually harassed for the first time. On a sunny summer day, two men in a pickup truck followed me for several blocks, yelling obscene things they wanted to do to me. When I was 18, a catcaller chased me home from the grocery store; he tried to force his way into my apartment.
My experience is not unique: street harassment is an everyday problem, but one that’s rarely acknowledged. According to several studies cited by Holly Kearl, author of the new book Stop Street Harassment: Making Public Places Safe and Welcoming for Women, between 80 and 99 percent of women have been the targets of aggressive, unwanted attention from male strangers. When she polled 800 women, Kearl found that 75 percent had been followed, and 57 percent had been sexually touched or grabbed in the street by male strangers, some when they were just ten years old.
This epidemic has serious consequences: University of Connecticut researchers found that “the experience of street harassment is directly related to greater preoccupation with physical appearance and body shame, and is indirectly related to heightened fears of rape.” In a country where one in three women is sexually assaulted in her lifetime, such fears are not unfounded.
Unfortunately, the average street corner catcaller is oblivious to this reality. Recently, a young man on a bicycle followed me up my own street. When I asked him to leave me alone, he was surprised and seemed even embarrassed, as if it had never occurred to him that a woman wouldn’t enjoy being chased at night. Though many catcallers don’t have nefarious intentions, they don’t put themselves in our shoes. Too often, it’s a long, uncomfortable walk home.
Despite the fact that it touches almost all women, gender-based street harassment isn’t considered a social problem in the way that, for example, racially-motivated street harassment is. Many believe that women should just relax and enjoy the commentary. And many of us do appreciate a poetic compliment from a respectful man. But the problem is that a “Good morning, beautiful” can instantly become “Go to hell, bitch” if the gentleman in question doesn’t take rejection well. In Washington D.C. last May, a man shot a young woman in the leg when she declined to give him her phone number. It’s an extreme example, but many women report that they have been threatened or even attacked by disgruntled harassers– I know several women who have had bottles thrown at them. The vulgar turns violent with a troubling frequency.
Ten percent of women report quitting a job in order to avoid a harassment-heavy commute. Street harassment also decreases its victims’ workplace productivity, and it makes them limit their time in public spaces.  Kearl argues in favor of creating laws against gender-based street harassment, the way there are laws against other forms of harassment. But women don’t just need legal protection. Until our society values women’s right to liberty and security more than men’s supposed right to objectify and intimidate us, girls and women will continue to navigate the sidewalks uneasily. This isn’t harmless flirtation.

http://thenewagenda.net/2010/09/21/street-harassment-the-uncomfortable-walk-home/

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

bold thoughts come alive. acknowledge it. embrace it. hate it. love it. fear it. accept it. love it.

old post from tumblr
I’m an inconsistent person
and that’s why I’m not sure if I have changed
is this just part of my inconsistency?
is it going to simply disappear tomorrow, only to reappear once again when I least expect it?
I’m not sure if I learned how to be positive and confident
embracing challenges with a new found attitude
approaching..no..confronting these obstacles with a smile along with confidence in my self rather than thinking and expecting the worst from myself
a change of mind
before, I always doubted my abilities—there were just so many reasons for me to not believe in myself..I can probably find those reasons again if I tried, but the point is that I’m not perfect—but I can be the best that I can be if I believe in myself—and from there I can improve
Lately, when I’m confronted with something that I am not sure I can do well in, I just tell myself to be quiet and focus/believe/ and hold firm that everything will be okay—there is no time to be negative—it only saps energy from me being the best that I can be
I’m not sure how long this will last, in the end its up to me.
Maybe its because the days are slightly better than they were before
But I don’t want my mood/attitude/positivity to shift according to events
If something is to upset me tomorrow, I don’t want to let it bring me down..
__
I’m really am not sure if it is just because of how the days are lately…
I think I am a bit more content/happier with who I am
Sometimes, when I act like my true self, it might be too crazy/weird for people and that can make me feel less confident about showing who I am.. or who I guess I believe I am…
but now, it is just..
who cares if others don’t like me? this is me. maybe its too eccentric for them, but what can i say, it’s how I roll. I am happy being me. It might be too unique/different/odd, but to those who accept me, then I shall show them my best and truest sides of who I really am—and for those who don’t—it’s okay as well—they are missing out.

Don't make such a sad face, I will try again.


Friendships From Yesterday
You tell yourself that you are fine
Constantly reassuring yourself
As you walk through the crowds
And no one sees you
They see your clothes, your shoes, the bag you are holding
But they don't see you
They see the person beside you, behind you, and everyone around you
And all you can think is,
"I'm right here too."

The Smell of Sunshine

Let me forgive myself and learn from it

Sadness filled every crevice of your body
But yet you still smiled
And it wasn't until then.. that I realized
just how heartbreaking your smiles were


To live a meaningful life..

You wanted proof of your existence.
Something beyond the documents of your birth
The dishes you left behind in the sink
And the people who slowly file away their memory of you in the back of their minds as they move on with their lives

You wanted something beautiful...


Before the emptiness could swallow you whole
I pulled you closer to me
Before the past could pull you back into its dark cold spiraling depths of yesterday and the day before
I held you close... clinging desperately
Perhaps I was afraid of falling back into my own past
The warmth of your body against mine
You are all that I know

All I know is that I love you
And that is enough reason to hold onto you forever


When love becomes your reasoning for everything
I hold you because I love you
I kiss your lips because I love you
I hold your hand because I love you
I protect you because I love you
I give my life because I love you